Divorce and Menopause: Who's Really in Control with Hannah Hembree Bell

In this episode, Mary welcomes Hannah Hembree Bell, an award-winning Austin family law attorney, mom of four, and founder and CEO of one of the fastest-growing family law firms in the United States, Hembree Bell Law.

Hannah shares her deeply personal journey of losing custody and financial ground in her own divorce. She transformed those hard-won lessons into a national community helping women prepare wisely for one of life's most disruptive transitions.

Hannah delivers raw, practical wisdom about preparing strategically, protecting yourself legally and emotionally. Her message is clear: you don't have to live a life that sucks, and hope is not a strategy—action is.

Key Points Covered:

•  Menopause, a catalyst or the cause: A look at research, surveys and statistics.
• Cost-Benefit Analysis of Leaving vs. Staying: Using the "scale of justice" metaphor.
• The Derivative Identity Trap: How women define themselves through relationships rather than core characteristics (brave, strong, kind, generous). 
• The Gray Divorce phenomenon: Women often spend 5-10 years considering divorce before taking action.
• Don't Act from Activation: Critical advice to check hormone levels, thyroid function, and overall health before making permanent decisions.

Connect

• Hembree Bell Law Firm: https://hembrebell.com 
• Follow Hannah on social media: @HannahHembreeBell (Instagram, TikTok)
• My Confident Divorce Framework (FREE course): https://myconfidentdivorce.com 

Resources:

• Support and Solutions for Thriving Beyond Divorce https://sasforwomen.com/menopause-and-divorce/
• Family Law Menopause Project:

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Transcript

Hannah: [00:00:00] there's about not much more difficult emotionally to deal with in a divorce than like a woman in her fifties whose husband's cheated on her and is leaving her for some other gal. And she raised his kids and now his kids are gone and she's really screwed. that's a tough one. That's a tough one.

Those women often have a very hard time, but yeah. In general, I created to, to talk about exactly this, the My Confident Divorce Framework. And it is a four step process that I have people go through to get ready before they ever file. And it's based on all the things I wish I would've done, basically.

So the first thing they're gonna do is start with the end in mind. And what that means is you can't know where. What path to take if you don't know where you're going, right? A ship without a compass gets lost at sea. So you gotta get real clear on where are we headed so that you can take steps to get you there.

So many people are just like, I need to get divorced. Like me. I need to get divorced. okay, well what does that need to look like? What resources, what do you want with the kids? And they have [00:01:00] no idea.

Mary: Today we are gonna talk about a very important subject in menopause that often doesn't get addressed enough and should be, and that is relationships, specifically separation, and divorce. My next guest is Hannah Hembry Bell. She's an award-winning Austin family law attorney. A mom of four and the founder and CEO of one of the fastest growing family law firms in the United States, Hembry Bell Law, and after losing custody and financial ground in her own divorce.

She rebuilt with strategy, won a far better outcome and turned those lessons into my Confident Divorce, a national community helping women prepare wisely. And in preparation for this podcast to prepare wisely, I did some snooping around and took a look at the research in menopause and divorce rates.

Although there isn't a ton of peer reviewed research that links menopause [00:02:00] directly to divorce in a way that's fully proven, there is growing evidence, discussion, and survey data suggesting a significant correlation. And so here are some of those key references. First of all, family Law Menopause Project.

A survey that was done in collaboration with the new son health research and education found that 73% of women said that menopause and perimenopause was a contributing factor to their divorce. In that same survey. 67% of respondents said menopause, increased arguments, and even domestic abuse. The data also suggests that many women didn't feel comfortable even raising menopause with their family lawyer, and 86% didn't feel at ease talking about it, and 97% said their lawyer didn't explore how menopause may have affected the relationship.

The STO Family Law Commentary did a report called Menopause, a Divorce Danger Zone. And in that report they found [00:03:00] 60% of divorces are initiated by women between the ages of 40 and 60, which yes overlaps strongly with the perimenopause and menopause years, and in particular, divorce peaks for women in the age gap of 45 to 49.

They frame menopause is a potential catalyst due to such things as changes in libido, mood communication, breakdowns, and the identity shifts that are commonly associated with menopause. A health and quality of life study using data from the Women's Health Initiative, the WH. I looked at postmenopausal women between the ages of 50 and 79 and found some interesting associations.

Women who divorced or separated in this period tended to lose weight, improved diet and increased physical activity compared to those who stayed married. And in a recent feature article, it described a growing midlife divorce trend, sometimes called the gray divorce, with more divorces happening among [00:04:00] adults age 50 and over.

And the article also suggests that menopause can be catalyst for deeper questioning of long-term marriages. That same piece also notes that many of these decisions are not impulsive. Women may spend upwards of five, even 10 years considering divorce before even taking action. So is it correlation or causation?

Most of the data is survey based, meaning it's about women's perception rather than longitudinal casual proof that menopause causes divorce. Divorce and midlife often happens in a broader context, empty nest career, plateau or burnout, caregiving, stress, aging parents. So menopause is likely one of the several contributing factors, but may not be the single factor.

And there's a lack of legal awareness. Many of these surveys highlight a gap in how well family law professionals understand and incorporate menopause symptoms into divorce proceedings, and this gap [00:05:00] will be filled from Hannah Hembry Bell, who's gonna tell us about how to prepare and feel empowered during such a tumultuous transition in our lives.

She'll also help us understand building clarity and confidence through strategic planning if divorce is on the horizon, and also will unpack some of the common mistakes women make during the divorce process. It's all about empowerment through preparation, boundaries, and self-respect. Sounds like a theme that we often go through when we are preparing ourselves to have those difficult conversations with our bosses, and most certainly our doctors taking agency, disrupting the status quo, changing the narrative.

This is what the show's all about. I can't wait to unpack it with Hannah Hembry Bell. Please join me in welcoming her to the show. 

Hannah Hembry Bell, welcome to the Menopause Disruptive Podcast, and we're gonna talk about Something that disrupts our marriage. And that is menopause, [00:06:00] right? Am that correct? 

Hannah: Yeah. Which is it? I think it's both. And 

Mary: marriage is getting in the way of having a really good menopause here.

It might, oh wow. Congratulations that you have built one of the fastest growing family law firms in the United States, but. Your path came from a deeply personal experience, so can you share, unpack for our listeners your backstory of how you turned your divorce into something a completely different approach to help other women with a smart strategy.

Hannah: Absolutely. Well, thank you for having me Mary. probably my second favorite thing to discuss if you just like by sheer numerosity of things I discuss would be menopause middle aged women stuff. I swear it's everywhere. Like between, that's after divorce. And so I'm so excited about this conversation and you too.

the way I always have been my whole life is I really learn through [00:07:00] experience. If you've done any of those personality assessments and stuff. I am one of those people who has to go through it myself. And for me. I got married super duper young. I was engaged and married by the time I was 21 years old.

Oh, wow. And started having kids at 23. And then by the time I mean there were, my kids were 15, 18, and then 15 months apart. So I had these tiny little babies when I was still a baby, 23 years old. I laugh 'cause my daughter is like not that far from that old now. This is how old I was when you, when I brought you home from the hospital, so maybe you could give me a little more patience, over the years when maybe I didn't get things right and so anyway, I just hadn't grown up.

And I grew up while I was growing up babies. And I moved from college into back into my home with my parents for a quick second while I got married that summer. And then into a house with my then husband, now, ex-husband. [00:08:00] And really going into marriage like so many women that I've helped.

I hoped it would work out. Okay. Not a lot of, I think I put the amount of thought energy into it, honestly. Back then. I describe it as if you went by a PetSmart and there was like a free giveaway, a cat situation happening outside and you're like, that's a really cute cat. I think I'll have a cat now and then just take it home, and then it gets home and you are.

What am I gonna do with this cat? I don't, it's scratching stuff now. What? And I think for me, that's the amount of really foresight and it just shows a little bit. 'cause I was just a kid and Right. So what started happening was I had all these little ones and then it was very survival based, especially women in their twenties having kids or even, in their thirties having kids.

When they're little, you are in survival years. You're just like, I only slept 3.2 hours across eight last night. I'm not worried about how I'm feeling romantically in this relationship with this [00:09:00] fella who sometimes sleep next to me when I'm not upstairs with the baby. Right. So, I was just surviving that and I knew even then, something wasn't right.

About six months into the marriage, I remember stopping my mom in that little house and saying, mom, I think I've made a terrible mistake. And. it was a thought and a and awareness, but I wasn't ready to do anything yet. There was a lot that was gonna come before then, so I, ended up being married about nine years and it's really, I think, a common experience sort of death by a thousand paper cuts.

Where things just build and build. Now, I didn't wait until menopause for my Give a Dang to get busted as I say, but I think it was a similar experience for me and also an awakening and a growing up that happened and I, what really? Really was the, linchpin. The turning point was when I went back to law school I had been a recruiter before I went to law [00:10:00] school and didn't love my job.

I wanted to love my job. I'm a very purpose driven person and wanted to feel that way. And so I went back to law school and then I was out of this little bubble. That I'd been in with my ex-husband and I had, we lived in this little bitty town and I really didn't have that many friends anymore. I was pretty isolated working kid and that's it.

And then all of a sudden I'm going to law school and I'm around all new people and whole different ways of thinking. I really didn't start to grow up as an individual woman until then when I was turning 30 years old when, this was happening, when I was going back to school and for the first time.

I got to be just an adult, not a mom. I just went to school and they called me the mom, right? That mom sometimes they said, hot mom, I'll take it. and people were just different to me than I was treated at home. And this gap and this discrepancy started [00:11:00] to grow and grow until it was Unignorable anymore, wait a minute, who I am when I'm at home, and who he says that I am or acts like I am, and who I am at school and who they act like I am and who they say I am are different. Both can't be true. And you know what? I think he's wrong. Who these people see me as and how I can show up here really aligns with my self concept now that I'm aware and can think.

And as that started to happen, I just, my eyes started to open to everything that was happening in my life. And when I was turning 30 years old. I was scrolling through Facebook. I'm using my finger like, it's a mouse. Like we used to have desktop computers. we didn't just do it on our phone and scrolling through the face, the Facebook when I was turning 30 and looking at every single picture.

And it looks like just look at those sweet, I have the cutest kids in the whole planet. Look at those cutest kids you've ever seen. [00:12:00] Looked perfect, except I knew in every single photo, like what was really going on, how I was feeling, what argument had preceded it, what was the deal?

And I remember just thinking to myself, dang, when is my real life gonna start? what is this? What is my real life gonna start? Like it was, I was in a dress rehearsal, right? Or it was gonna happen later and I heard this almost audible voice like. God, universe, booted, whatever it is you think, whatever that was my own inner self, higher self was Hannah, this is your real life.

This it, and it's like in that moment, I swear every moment since has stacked on top of that moment. 'cause it really hit me like this is it. There's no, later, is a lie I've learned now. And I'm, I only get one shot at being alive. And this is it. I'm not even looking forward to anything anymore. I had done the thought experiment, right, of so I'm gonna [00:13:00] work real hard.

I'm gonna be a lawyer, okay. And I'm gonna get a good job, okay? And then I'm gonna make decent money, okay? And then I'm gonna work a long time. And then one day I'm gonna retire. Okay? And then what am I gonna do? And I'm like, I'm just gonna be like sitting around at a beach with him more. Ugh. Ugh.

And so I had already theoretically done this experiment and I'm Like written off the rest of my life and I was like, no. That is not how this is gonna go. And there was other moments along the way, like different kind of beats that happened, but it was really that crack in the matrix of my life that I was like.

Yeah, not for me. And fast forward I went into my divorce about the same amount of thought, to be honest, as I put into going into Marriot, there's a theory, there's a theme here. I come from, I, joke, a long line of rash, decisive people. My parents got married after knowing each other 11 days.

Oh, wow. And we're married over 40 years when my dad passed away. So, they, [00:14:00] that part of me was like, okay. Once I realized it and really knew, few months later when I was really getting clear to me I had to do this it came upon me pretty quickly. But the deal was, I was completely unprepared.

For what was about to happen to me and what was ab I was about to go through thank in some ways, thank God I didn't know. Thank God I didn't know everything that there was. 'cause I don't know that I could have gone through with it if I'd have known what all was gonna happen. But because of that lack of preparedness or strategy or resource, everything and every sense of the word I was behind the eight ball.

I got back into painted myself. I painted myself. Into a corner. It ended up taking a settlement outside of court where my kids didn't live with me primarily at first, I knew that if I had to go through a big whole court battle, number one, I didn't have the money for all those fees. How was I gonna pay a hundred thousand dollars for a divorce?

We owned some rental properties and I had that recruiting business and well, and I was an emotional wreck. I was drained, I was a. [00:15:00] weighed about a hundred pounds. I was just like, like a mess. A kind of a mess emotionally. And yeah, and it really give it all I had to the divorce decision, Not to the rest, as so many women do. So, I ended up, there's a whole long story, but I. Ended up not having my kids primarily with me. At first, I paid child support, so I've sat on that side of the fence and really resigned myself and settled into, or tried to settle into my Plan B, option B life, like she Sandberg talks about in that book.

I was gonna be the best version of that. I was gonna show up to every. Parenting time, I was gonna do all the things, show up to their school stuff, even though I was living an hour and 20 minutes away. And, the thing was that didn't stick for long 'cause my kids were, not doing the best. And I ended up filing a divorce or a custody modification, like post-divorce judgment, depending on where people live, what they call it, like you go back.

And then had a pretty long, [00:16:00] lengthy court. Situation trying to change the custody of the kids. And it ended up in Texas, we do a jury trial, which is where, your peers sit and watch and decide who should be the primary parent. So that's awful. It, yeah, I did that. It, I would not wish it on anybody.

And that was seven days. And the kids did, they relocated and moved with me. And then I was a primary parent and then they, he paid me child support and all that. And then. It's just been quite the journey. There's a whole bunch more since it's not over. I have, one of my kids is in college now. Two are still minors.

We're, high school age, so we're close, but it's just, I wasn't prepared e going into the marriage or getting out of the marriage. Now, when I went for the custody modification. I learned my lesson, right? Remember, I have to live it. I didn't get the lesson the first time going into the marriage, but I learned the lesson the second time.

'cause I got licked. I licked myself. I got beat myself. But I. [00:17:00] Shifted and had a strategy and a plan and knew a lot more and went in carefully and with a strategy and had a much different result. And that's ultimately why I do what I do, because I think a lot of women find themselves in the shoes I was in.

They put all their energy into deciding that they've gotta do this 'cause women don't wanna get divorced. We do not wanna get divorced when we got kids Uhuh and only do it when we really feel like that's. All there is, so, went and, used that experience as the catalyst for, how we sit here talking today.

Mary: Absolutely. As they say, the same goes our me is our message. The lived experience helps us understand, if we've gone through it and it was hard for us, wouldn't it be great if we could just make it easier for the next person? Yeah. And that's exactly what you've done. I do wanna go through that quite extensively, but I just in general with your experience and now probably with the [00:18:00] clients that you are working with, what is the first step in terms of identifying, not the strategy, but identifying like you did?

I've been in this for way too long. I'm giving up a piece of who I am. I'm not respecting who I am. Giving. Giving, and giving is time to live my life on my terms. What is one of the first things that women can do to say, okay, I've been toiling with this, and actually some of the research says they might toil with the idea for over.

10 years, five to 10 years, that's a long time to be ruminating over a huge life decision. 

Hannah: Yeah. 

Mary: When can they get clear with it? And they've emotionally and mentally said, alright, it's time to march on and make this decision. 

Hannah: I've got that question a lot. And the best way I know to explain it is I think of things as simple as possible.

Really. It's a t chart or a weighing, I've got two hands. Pretend like it's the scale of justice here, [00:19:00] and it's okay, you've got on one hand the cost of leaving. What's it gonna cost you to leave? They're all the reasons why you've stayed. Put the effect on the kids, the house. What are we gonna do about the bills?

It's only one income on the one hand, and on the other hand, there's the cost of staying. Okay. And you've got the exper, the experience of home walking on eggshells, not looking forward to anything anymore. Not being, not happy, plot ruiner. We all deserve to have a happy life, like we are worthy because we exist.

That's what I say all the time, like. You don't feel happy in your marriage. You don't feel excited about anything anymore. You don't have, all these reasons that are the cost of staying, but you're willing to do it 'cause for a while, the cost of leaving. Right are above the cost of staying. But then as that scale tips and the costs of staying exceeds the cost of leaving, that's when it's time to go.

That's when everybody make, that's every decision you've ever [00:20:00] made. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about every change that ever happened, like started with some woman getting tired of her own bs. I don't know if we say cuss words on here, whatever. Oh, go for it. And we like cuss words.

Okay. It's real. I almost can't talk without it anymore. So, some woman getting sick and tired of her own bullshit. And so when that happens, that's when you know it's time to go and it's a deeply personal decision. So for me it was that moment that really just crystallized. I was unhappy.

I was, looking up now and even my, my. People who've known me a long time, who knew me then and know me now, it's pretty mind blowing that me and my ex-husband were married to each other. It, is a wild fact. Knowing now how we all, how we turned out when we were cooked, 10, 15, 20 years later after we met.

Wow. And when you start coming into that awareness, and for me, they talk about change happening slowly, and then sometimes [00:21:00] real change happens all at once. we've all heard that story. Just like I am done. I will no longer ever again pick up that drink, pick up that cigarette, do whatever that thing is, right?

And it can go either way. For me, there's this moment when I have decide did. That line in the sand and it's reaching their line in the sand and maybe they have an intern. They, we all have one, right? There is some reservation point. We call it a mediation, a reservation point that like the point we won will not cross.

We all have an internal reservation point and you may not know what yours is until you butt up against it. You'll know then. 'cause you ain't going. And then it's that's. It like pretty much every woman has that moment when they were like, that's it. Enough And I think, some people lose track because I.

Gaslighting and, gaslighting is, it just gets so [00:22:00] much play these days and can get overblown. I don't even wanna, you don't even have to be thinking about gaslighting, but just, you forget, it's like selective amnesia where they're being, nice to date. And if you're my personality type, I'm an Enneagram seven.

I don't know if that resonates with any of your people, but I'm an Enneagram seven, so we see the good in things and we're positive and we're look, so as soon as. Oh, things are better now. Everything's fine. they would apologize and whatever, and you're ready to move on and you forget all the BS that just happened.

So like one tool that women can use who feel a little bit in this purgatory, and I'd seen that I'd love if you share that study with me, Mary, I'd seen that quote somewhere. Talking about women taking years. Ver versus men taking months That, I dunno if it's the same study. Yeah. And if you feel like you're just trapped in that, one thing you might do, I'm a very practical person, is start you a note in your phone and call it grocery list.

And put some groceries at the top in case he's going through your phone. And then at the bottom, start tracking with the [00:23:00] newest thing first, the things, the feelings, the emotions, so that you have a record. And when he's apologizing and being nice, you can say, wait a minute. Where are the patterns now? We live in the greatest time in history to be alive 'cause we have chat GPT, which is amazing.

You can feed it to chat GPT and say, here's a new thing, put it to the log. Remind me, help me discover patterns. Help me process through this emotionally and helping keep yourself accountable to yourself. Nobody else has to look at it. Nobody else has to see it. But can you have self-leadership? And maybe you don't know what that means, and maybe you're not there yet and maybe you're not ready.

That's okay. don't get stuck in that, but just be honest with yourself and keep track on what's happening. I think that would be a very important tool in making that decision. Yeah. 

Mary: Powerful. Hannah. Wow. You know that BS meter that [00:24:00] you spoke of. We don't take no bullshit when the estrogen has left the body as well.

And that is why I think that there is some interesting facts that correlate those ages of high divorce rate amongst midlife women. It's, the forties to 50 with 45 to 49, and I'll share that as well, being that when divorce is filed, because that BS meter, it goes off an estrogen, which is probably masking, protecting suddenly.

That says no longer I'm gonna tolerate that. And it's the same kind of leadership, self-leadership that you speak of that we need to take when we have to advocate for health, whether it's those conversations in the workplace or with our doctor too. Nuh, I'm not taking any of that 'cause I Self worth deserves more.

And divorce is just another aspect. So causation, correlation. There's some interesting studies out there, but let's talk about now. Especially for the listeners who are in that midlife category, [00:25:00] that age group, when they are going through to transition and they're butting up against this new emotional realization.

Even a mental realization, spiritual, physical, that the relationship they're in is not serving them, well and lowering their self-worth. So I'm sure you probably are working with clients in that age category. Sure, Let's talk about that. Let's talk about now your, plan. 

Hannah: Yeah.

Well, I. In that age range. I think you're right. It's like we are just, it's so many things converging as a woman, right? Our bodies are changing, our hormones are changing. Perhaps we figured out how to get financially stable a bit by now. Not everybody, that might be something that's a little bit more resolved.

You also, you've just been some, a lot of us been putting up with some BS for a long time, and you just get tired. There's you're tired and then eventually you're like, not one more [00:26:00] GD time. Is he gonna say that to me? who do you think you're talking to? And it's like this, I'm thrilled for that for women and especially just the conversations that are happening around this to bring it more to the forefront.

You're not being a bitch, you're just stopping, making everything easier for everybody all the time. And that's a lesson. I'm 42, so I, this is a lesson I am in the middle of right now. Just, no, it's not that I'm being awful, it's just that I'm no longer over-functioning to support your comfort at the expense of my truth and authenticity.

I, that's something I have to try to do every day with all of my personality components. It is the battle for me. if you're there and you've done this tracking and you've met, or you can see your reservation point, you can see that, that give a dang bust in the dam.

You're there. It's within I. I shot my earshot. you're close. I think the thing to start to do is be like a duck calm on the surface and paddle in like [00:27:00] hell underneath to get ready because hope is not a strategy. With this, and if you, like we said, if you're in your forties, fifties, you may have accumulated some assets, you may have some stuff.

Now your kids At this age, may very well be teens, pre-teens. some of them may, have littles, but you have different kind of considerations as your kids age. And what we wanna do. Start to get prepared before we tip him. And I'm assuming mostly heterosexual couples, but like I say, I, think it would be the same for her.

Like we work with all kinds of people at the firm, so, with the spouse, and you don't wanna tip 'em off either because 70% of divorces are filed by women. So normally we're in the driver's seat. Wow. And normally, yeah, normally we have the benefit of knowing when it's coming. It's not even about who files first.

It's about the benefit of you're not even trying to, I'm not even advocating for surprise. Hopefully divorce is not a surprise. It often is. 'cause men are like, this came out of nowhere, and I'm like, [00:28:00] are you kidding me? Women do not get divorced out of nowhere. Like you said, they've been thinking about this for 10 years.

You just hadn't been listening. You just only take her seriously now that she's actually packed your shit and set it on the porch. So, The, thing to do though is. To get a plan in place without them knowing. Okay. And so that is, if anybody listening, just gather all the things you think you might need to gather.

To get divorce. And there's an order to the way we talk about it, but like in case people stop listening anymore, that's what you're gonna do is gather up the paperwork, gather up your evidence and get your shit together before it's too late. And they know, and then you're chasing your tail throughout the rest of your divorce and the case whenever they know.

'cause it depends. So many things depend on the level of conflict, which it just depends. I don't think conflict is any stranger. To the age, to the age. I don't think that conflict is less when you're in your forties and your fifties. sometimes, but sometimes not. [00:29:00] Sometimes. Woo. It can be real bad.

there's about not much more difficult emotionally to deal with in a divorce than like a woman in her fifties whose husband's cheated on her and is leaving her for some other gal. And she raised his kids and now his kids are gone and she's really screwed. that's a tough one. That's a tough one.

Those women often have a very hard time, but yeah. In general, I created to, to talk about exactly this, the My Confident Divorce Framework. And it is a four step process that I have people go through to get ready before they ever file. And it's based on all the things I wish I would've done, basically.

So the first thing they're gonna do is start with the end in mind. And what that means is you can't know where. What path to take if you don't know where you're going, right? A ship without a compass gets lost at sea. So you gotta get real clear on where are we headed so that you can take steps to get you there.

So many people are just like, I need to get divorced. Like me. I need to get divorced. [00:30:00] okay, well what does that need to look like? What resources, what do you want with the kids? And they have no idea. So that's the first thing we do in the course. The second thing we do. craft your all but done plan.

Now this is a thing, it seems like a throwaway deal. I've just seen it screw so many people over. That they don't have a go plan in place, meaning you've got everything all but done. Like it's not done. You're not pulling any triggers yet. But you could if you need to. So okay, here's how I would tell the kids, here's how I'm gonna pay my rent.

Here's how I'm gonna make sure the mortgage is met. This is what's gonna happen with the kids at after school. He normally picks 'em up. I wanna have him primarily, right? So you get this plan in place so that. You're not like me getting caught flat-footed when he figures out you're trying to leave him and you have no plan in place and he accost you and confronts you about, Hey, you're acting different.

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? And you cave and tell him I'm divorcing you before you have all your eggs and ducks in a row. That's what happened to me. I wasn't ready, and I'm just an honest, [00:31:00] forthright person. So you ask me a question, I'm gonna tell you an answer and. I wasn't ready. So it's getting that together, how are you gonna tell them, et cetera.

Then the third thing we're gonna do is become parent of the year and be able to prove it. This is for my parents especially of let's say preteens and down age kids where what you're gonna, A lot of times women that men, they miss this. They do get blindsided by this. The court is not gonna just give you primary of the kids and never let the, your husband see them again, just because you're their mom and he's an asshole.

Just 

Mary: okay 

Hannah: plot ruiner, that's not gonna do it. And especially in the US and especially in Texas where I live, Mary in Vancouver and Austin in Texas, the way custody is dealt with and divorces is probably significantly different. I would have to venture to guess, but yeah. In general in the US anyway the Constitution protects the right to parents.

And so these dads are not gonna get cut off from these [00:32:00] kids' lives. And in fact, like in Texas, there's a policy of the state that kids have ongoing continuous relationships with both parents. You're not cutting 'em out. Even if they did some bad stuff, they're gonna, the court's gonna probably give them a chance to repair and move forward.

So there's that fact. So I think what that does is gives them this. Heightened confidence that they shouldn't have. Because you have to think about how is my life gonna appear when it's under a microscope when people who don't know me are analyzing it when they don't have any of the context how. Is it gonna come across to a bunch of neutral people who don't care how my life turns out?

Well, are you traveling all the time for work? 'cause you're a badass at work, but you're not. You're in a season of, not at home. Are you an accountant and you're thinking you might file for a divorce in April? Well, I mean it, we file in April our tax income taxes, like when you've been for the last three months, working 14 hours a day.

That's not the moment. Okay. So like looking at the way your life [00:33:00] circumstances would come across in court because of your interpersonal. Division of labor in your home? How is that setting you up? If someone looks at it from the outside, if he's Mr. Dad, you call him a deadbeat loser who sleeps on the couch and drinks beers all day, he's gonna call himself a stay-at-home dad, who gets the kids from school, drops 'em off, does their, So you gotta make sure you're, because that one's the most important for moms of these smaller children because a lot of it you cannot fix once you've filed, once you start. A lot of these other ones we can deal with later, but you can't because you don't have time. You don't have the benefit of time on your side, so you need to.

Really, get that one handled. And then the final thing you're gonna do is create your divorce notebook and that's gathering all the paperwork, all the evidence and things you might need while you still have access. 'cause another thing that happens in my experience is once divorce is filed, what do you know those tax returns ran off?

What do you [00:34:00] know? Ah I no long, all the account passwords are changed and then you spend thousands of dollars and months of time trying to get access to what you already have now. Now this is where I always caution. Because people might feel the temptation to go collect it all today. If you're like a, scratch the itch kind of person, I gotta go do it right now.

Do not do that. Because if all of a sudden a bunch of two fas are going, two factor authentications are going to his phone, he's gonna figure you out and then you wanna have the benefit of time anymore. So you gotta. Slow and methodically and steadily gather that stuff. And in the course we have people walk it through in this really organized fashion that'll help 'em later save a bunch of money in legal fees and stuff.

'cause they already have it all organized. But those are the four steps that you're gonna do in the course. We talk about getting your mind right, getting your head right to do this and that course. For anybody who is interested is available for free. If you join our online community, the circle where we help support and guide women through divorce and beyond, and that's free too.

You just go to my confident [00:35:00] divorce.com and check it out. A lot of people have done it now. A lot of people are in the circle getting support and it's just wanting to put that out there. 'cause here's the thing, Mary, is some of those. Actions you lose the ability to do later on and or they become a lot harder and more expensive.

So we're trying to catch people before they ever file. 

Mary: Interesting. You said 70% of women are the ones that file, but what about that 30% who get absolutely blindside or within that 30%? There's a group of women are absolutely blindside. Things are going along swimming lately, or they probably know. It could be better or didn't even know that there was a affair or something going on in the side.

And then one day the spouse comes home and announce this is what's gonna happen. How does she prepare herself emotionally, mentally, to be able to say, okay, I've gotta battle in front of me and [00:36:00] I've gotta show up my best self. 

Hannah: the problem is when that fight arrives at your doorstep, and I don't necessarily mean fight, but that.

Problem arrives on your doorstep. you find out what you're made of. To be honest, it's about all the prep and all the development you've done to lead you to that moment. How do you react? To really tough shit in your life. Someone has a bad medical diagnosis, you get fired at your job. You don't get the rage.

How do you react to disappointment? How do you react to surprise information you already know? Then how your divorce is gonna go. Do you blame other people? Do you have a victim mindset? Have you done the professional and personal growth? Yourself. Have you worked on your mindset? Have you become a person whose character you respect?

Have you become clear that life is all about how you react to what happens to you? Right? We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we [00:37:00] react. So I think that woman, the work she does to support that future, her is the work right now that supports living a meaningful and robust life.

It's. Continuing to be a student, continuing to learn, listening to podcasts just like this and really for me, there's a lot of things I wouldn't prefer to happen to me, that I have a lot of things that I would prefer never to have to go through, and I now have the confidence, whatever it is.

I'm gonna handle it. Whatever comes at me, I'm gonna be okay because I've done the work, I've now done the healing. That's a word that used to make me cringe in my divorce. 'cause people always like scold you to heal and never tell you what to do or how to do it. I just, healing is just like one little baby step at a time getting better and not losing your shit.

It's, that's what it is. And now let's say my husband Drew, I'm remarried, so if Drew divorce me, that is not my preference. It is strongly not my preference. I find out he's got some girlfriend, some whole other family, [00:38:00] God knows what, stole all our money. What? Like all the worst things I could think of.

Well, I'm gonna have a choice to make, aren't I? And how I react to that. I can let it make me bitter or better. That's divorce too. It's just that it's worse because you're surprised. I'd also, I think it's more likely that women might be surprised because, I think men think about this for so much longer and they're probably less likely to do all the nat, like I'm gonna use in quotes, nagging that we might do to try to get the guy to change so that it can be a more palatable relationship for us and continue to work out.

This guy may just be like. but also I'd say are we gonna own part of this? if y'all haven't slept together in a year. And then you say, I was blindsided by the divorce. Nah, no you weren't. men aren't gonna, that's just in general not happening. They're not gonna not get laid for a year.

That's just, not that much. There's a problem, there's a big problem and people are gonna get their needs met. So I [00:39:00] would probably first ask was it truly a blindside? Same thing. I would tell the guy like, and whatever. I don't do that in the lawyer. They're not asking me I'm, but I'm saying if I was like their therapist or something, which I'm not at all, so.

This is just with a grain of salt or a handful of salt. But it's number one. And then number two, regardless, say that you ignored all the signs 'cause you wanted to believe something else. Say whatever. Okay, Here's this thing. And would you like to let it ruin the rest of your life?

'cause you sure can. You sure can become a miserable, angry, bitter. Gal who at every single party you ever go to talks about your divorce like it was yesterday, you can stay alone and sad and crying for the rest of your life. And you can be the one who points at all of them. Look at them doing this and this at Christmas.

And he would never do that with me and La more about his life than you do about, what's latest with Ben Affleck, you [00:40:00] know, everything that's happening. Yeah. And. Or you can use it as a springboard and a platform to have a new experience. well, this, like I say that a lot, it helps me, this is not my preference.

This is not my preference. I do not like this, and yet I will proceed. That's a, this is not my preference and yet. I begin. That's how I, that's so I'm just gift that to anybody else. Anybody who wants, this is how I literally do it. This is not my preference. So you've stated that you don't like it. You don't want it, okay?

And yet it's the acceptance. And then we proceed. The action. Action is the antidote. So what's gonna make you feel better is get moving, get doing something, start getting ready, get your paperwork together. Start. Doing the things. Look in that marriage. If he's that ready to walk out the door, I bet you there's parts of you've been denying in that marriage.

[00:41:00] I bet you've been being less to make him more comfortable. I bet you there are hobbies. You put all that. That's where we're going, sister. Let him just like the best revenge. And I don't believe in revenge, but the best revenge is to go on and be completely happy and wonderful. Yeah. And make a new life.

well, okay. you're like, if my husband tried to divorce me now, I'd be like, that is stupid. That is objectively a bad decision to divorce me. I have some things, but like in general, I'm, it's a good decision to be married to me, in my opinion. So if he's gonna make a dumb decision, well, I guess you weren't the one bud.

I don't wanna do that. It's sad and there would be consequences. 

Mary: Yeah, 

Hannah: but so are other things in life and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let anything ruin my life not happening. I didn't, walk through hell and leave three kids. I didn't leave them behind. But in some ways, they weren't with me primarily.

I didn't do that and put all of us through that to then live a shit life. No [00:42:00] ma'am. That's not happening to me. No matter. And that's the thing. If, that divorce nudes can ruin your life, you've given too much power. You've given away your power to this man and to the marriage because Okay. if it, if that can ruin everything, then you're defining yourself in relation to everyone and everything else.

Even if Drew ba, bless his heart, he ain't doing this, but even if he was to try to divorce me, I'm still gonna be me. I'm still gonna be all the things that I didn't use to be that way. Y'all. I earned this the hard way. I don't want it to happen to y'all. I earned this by being stripped down to. Like I describe it as being worse than the gum on the bottom of your shoe.

My kids didn't live with me primarily at force. I paid child support. I had to beg to see my children every other weekend from Friday at six to Sunday at six, and for dinner every other Tuesday for an hour and a half, hour and 15 minutes. That's it. And a month in the summer, it's complicated. That'll make you feel real shitty.

And I did. [00:43:00] And so I already made this decision. Now I chose. To be the one to go. Okay. So that I, was the lever. So I think it's easier to be in that position. But I just decide, I, wanna have a good life and to do that, I think the gift of the divorce for me ultimately was stripping me down to nothing.

I had nothing left. And it rock bottom they say is a really good foundation to build the rest of your life. You wanna build your foundation on a rock, right? And I did. And what I did is I rebuilt an identity, an independent identity, not one that it's derivative of everybody else. Because that's the thing, I think this is really the key for women is we build derivative identities.

You ask a woman, who are you? She's gonna tell you, mom, basketball, PTA mom, teacher sister, wife, blah, blah. Everything she will tell you in general, nine times outta 10 [00:44:00] would be how she relates to others. Ugh, that and if any, and the thing is with divorce, the problem for women who do that, like I did as mom, I wasn't a mom in the same way anymore, and I wasn't a wife anymore, so my identity was a house of cards and we pulled two out and the whole thing fell apart on me.

I had no idea what to do with myself when I had an hour free. I'd never had an hour free as an adult ever, I was like, what do I do with that? And it was like choking. And so what I rebuilt is you asked me, who am I? Now I'm, if we're having a really surfacey conversation, I might tell you, I'm a law firm.

You know all the things that I do, but who am I now? I'm brave. I'm strong kind, I'm generous, I'm thoughtful. I'm a good friend, right? You can't take those away from me if you leave. You can't take those away from me if you quit. All right. Those are me. Apart from you. And I think if women, I think this is really the key, could use this if a divorce would take you down to rock [00:45:00] bottom, you created a derivative identity for yourself and you put your power and deposited it in this relationship in a way that makes you vulnerable, which we have to do to some extent.

we give into the marriage. But you, can do that in a way 'cause I know, 'cause I'm doing it in a way. That doesn't erase you from your own story. You don't have to write yourself out of your story to be married. 

Mary: Oh, wow. So glad we're recording this because you have some epic sage advice. Oh, thanks.

Good. 

Hannah: I got it the hard way. it may it like I sound sometimes I'm just a like preacher sort by nature. It's 'cause I'm so passionate about this because I think that. Most women, and this is what happens. I love us in our forties and up. Oh man. Gimme a woman. Mid forties, early fifties.

Yes ma'am. Because. we're all getting a little sage. We're all getting a little wiser. We're all getting a little smarter, a little bit of, you know [00:46:00] what, fuck you energy. And I love it because what's happening is that resentment and disappointment and the excuses that we've been pushing down for so long, they are like, no ma'am, no more.

And they're gonna erupt. It's better. Look, wouldn't we all agree it's better to get ahead of it and not turn into erupting volcano that burns down your entire life, right? That's the better way. But look, if not, and you're here and the volcano's about to erupt, just let you know. Gimme some space.

I'm gonna clear the splash zone, but we're going, I would much rather see that. Look, I am pro-marriage. I just have not seen that many marriages that I think support two healthy, bully, actualized individuals continuing to grow and develop alongside each other across a lifetime. There's the guy, the New York City divorce lawyer, Robert, I think Sexton is his name.

I dunno if you, people need to follow him if you don't, man, he's good. And he says, if you're in a happily [00:47:00] marriage, happy marriage, you've hit. One the jackpot, if you support each other and he talks about, I just thought this was so moving, how what you're really signing on to say is, I will witness your life.

I will be there in the small and in the big, and I will witness and I will not pull you back from, I will not withhold from you. I will witness your life. And like y'all listening, does the person you're with. Feel like a witness. You know what a witness does? They just see, they don't control, they don't get, they don't take, they don't stop.

They don't start, they just say, Like Mary, we're doing this on a recording where I can see her, it has her hand on her heart. Right? does, it make you feel seen and held in a space? And if not, number one, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that. You have to live for a while. You've had to live for a while in a way that feels so lonely and [00:48:00] unseen and less and tired and sad.

I was there and I'm here to say, as someone who went through the other side in a really bad situation, y'all, my kids didn't even live with me. You probably heard that, and you're like, yeah, she must have been an alcoholic drug bitch. I wasn't. And to live through that and come out on the other side. I want that for you.

And what you're ultimately saying is that you are willing to bet on yourself and you're all you got. We were talking about those identities. Every single one of them can leave. Two of my three children have told me they don't wanna live with me anymore. When they got bigger, even after they came back.

I've been through it, y'all. I've been through it. One of them doesn't live with me at all, and I haven't seen him or had a conversation with him in years. And it's hard, but at the end of the day, you're all, you got, you know what those lessons, okay, I could just sit down and cry and [00:49:00] think about all day every day.

And some, days are harder than others. But yeah. I'm all I got and I had to learn that lesson that even these kids can turn on me no matter what I've done. They, don't know, they don't understand. 'cause I'm not going to tell 'em what I had to do. And I practice what I preach in that regard.

And you learn and y'all listen and y'all know people left and a lot of y'all are scared to death 'cause they left. What if they leave? You'd rather stay in a shit marriage just so you don't get left again. That's bullshit. So long as you don't leave you, when you stay in that marriage, you abandon yourself, you leave you.

And I don't think that everybody else gets that from us. I'm not giving it. I'm never giving it again. I'm not to please everybody else gonna abandon me again because this gal, she got me through some rough shit and everybody listening. Same if you gave birth, Lord. We made it through that, and then we're dealing with some jerk telling us how to load the [00:50:00] dishwasher, Come on. So I just say all that as an encouragement, especially as this aligns with maybe what you're going through physically and hormones and all of that. I think you gotta be careful and have sound counsel listening to shows like Mary's show and Therapist if you can afford it, et cetera, and bounce these feelings and thoughts you may be having.

'cause what you don't wanna do. Is make a permanent choice with a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem. Like I would suggest if you're thinking maybe you need to get divorced and you're between, 40 and 60 and you haven't gotten your hormones checked and you hadn't been to some sort of a functional medicine.

Practitioner of some sort. You better hold the phone. Wait a minute, let's go make sure that, the big three are not at play here. Right? That we're not missing like me testosterone. Like I, that was low. My thyroid is all jacked up. Like I've been on this journey for a [00:51:00] while, even though I'm only 42.

I knew I would recommend that you make sure that's done first, that you feel stable enough in your body, that you trust your decision making, and that you're not acting in an activate. This is I swear, it's like the, I just say all the time, the things I have to learn myself, but literally today I was talking to a friend who just found out he needs to get divorced.

A situation happened and I said, do nothing from activation. Why are you doing something today? Because you've been talking about this for a long time and yes, this thing happened and it okay. What? What is the urgency, right? Don't do anything when you're activated. positive or negative. I don't necessarily do things when I'm activated in anger.

I know better if I'm mad or whatever. I'm not gonna go find the person and let 'em have it. I've learned that lesson. However, the lesson I get to learn every single day all the time, 'cause I'm blockhead, [00:52:00] is don't do things in activation when I'm excited. Because that's where I get it, is I get ahead of myself and get excited and act.

Yeah. So with yourself, if you're activated and not just like stable, boring, you, and I'm not saying you're boring, but That version of us, it's just cool, so how you doing? I'm doing fine. Like things are going okay. Hopefully you can do it from that place where you can be rational and logical and have the supportive professionals and women around you and counselors and medical providers and all the whole gamut of things that y'all talk about.

'Cause what you just don't wanna rush into this and then later be like, oopsy dopsie. I really just needed some estrogen. Sorry. Yeah. I don't think women do that too much to be honest, but I think it's worth thinking. 

Mary: Well, there's a few pieces, components that you mentioned and one I mean we've been talking about what to do when the marriage is [00:53:00] dissolving, but there's also opportunities and clues.

Libido sex life. Yep. The romance the sexual arousal. That is a huge bearing on a woman's health when she's going through menopause. And we've addressed this in other episodes talking about the role that even testosterone plays in libido and self-confidence. And it behooves a woman to take agency first with her doctor, I would say, to get those things in order because of her self-worth.

And self-respect that it's her body and she needs to get those things checked to get that balance in order because let's say face it when we don't have that. That balance in order, irrational thought, mood, even depression, suicidal rates, they climb up. So it's about taking care, I guess you could say triage.

Triage the hormones first, and then examine the relationship because there, there could be that beautiful opportunity to salvage a relationship that's only gone awry because of [00:54:00] the, disruption hormone change have on it. 

Hannah: Yeah. Yeah. 

Mary: And that was a really good point that you made, that one of the pitfalls that we could avoid is maybe taking that little self-check where we are in our health journey, and then down regulating, the nervous system.

Not, taking action out of activation, taking action when we have all of those ducks in a row. Yeah. Even with the massly swimming feet underneath the surface. That's right. That's 

Hannah: right. And we've done that before in life. It's really just a skill. We've just not really applied for our own benefit or something.

Right. Yeah. It's just like a different way of thinking. And women just, we, men are way better at us in general at this. They're gonna have their stuff together. Strategic thinking logic. Right? And that's pretty stereotypical. I'm not saying all the time, but generally speaking, it's the women who go in Ooh, [00:55:00] I hope it, all goes okay, Lord.

Yeah. 

Mary: Yeah. And community, which you have built so beautifully. Women do better in community. Yeah. We have those lived experience and we could pass it on. And again, and I, think I've shared this analogy in previous podcasts, I still visualize the circles of women that would come together around the fire with.

Whatever it is. Their tinctures that they were making, their crafts, Their wisdom, their song, their dance, and they gathered around, huddled around those in need. Sharing that wisdom. But wisdom comes from lived experience. Hannah, you are just, oh, of amazing wisdom, great analogies, and I love your quotes.

And with that text and draw. You need to write a book and then become your own audio narrator on audio books. 

Hannah: Yeah, I'm working on it. I'm in the, yes, I've got the title and we've got it [00:56:00] going. So great. Yes. And I do plan to do the audio, so we'll have to update you your voices whenever that comes.

Oh, thank you. That's so sweet To say it really say is I've 

Mary: just enjoyed, I haven't been able to get a word in edgewise, but nor did I want to. 

Hannah: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, I know. I'm like, somebody's gonna get me for talking too much. Oh. 

Mary: Just every time I was about to, oh, and you've answered that question. It was beautiful.

I just get the bookends right, the little sandwich. You were the peanut butter and jelly in between. Ooh, yum. I love peanut butter and jelly. Yeah. It's a beautiful staple. Yeah. When everything's going. Just, a couple of pieces of warm bread and 

Hannah: I was never, it's like I say, this is one of my favorite.

You want a pro a life pro tip? I never saw anybody sad when they're eating popcorn. Do you ever see anybody eating some popcorn? And they're just sad. No, you haven't. So it's one of those things like, you're feeling sad, let's pop some popcorn. So I'm just gonna give you that piece of advice as you listen to [00:57:00] this.

Or whatever's coming up. when in doubt, peanut butter jelly is what made me think of it. But for me, it's the pop. Whenever was ever sad eating a big old thing of popcorn, like they're, not crying and movies, eating popcorn. This is true. 

Mary: Or because I push lifting heavy.

You're never sad when you're bench pressing. You're weight, you're that's true. Oh, I'm such a powerful person. Yeah. Hannah, again, tell everybody about your strategy where they can find it. All the. States where we can, start following you. 

Hannah: Yeah. Oh, please do. We're just collecting women together.

I was thinking about, I wish there was a real life version of that circle in IRL that I could go to every Tuesday night in the women, and that's what we tried. Our trying to do. it takes all of us, it's a co-creation to build the circles with the, my Confident life, like we're working on building a confident life.

And one of the ways to do that is through divorce. If you're in a situation that no longer serves you, so you can just go to my confident divorce.com, [00:58:00] get into the circle, you can do the course. It's all free. Y'all we're just out there putting the message out, trying to help everyone. people are added every day, doing the course every day.

And legit, when I tell the, attorneys who work with me, that we are, if it, whenever they've seen the course, if all of our clients did this, they would save so much money. I'm like, I know I'm trying to tell everybody. So do that. It helps you get organized and then you can follow us on socials at h.

Just my name, Hannah Hembre Bell. H-E-M-B-R-E-E. And would love just y'all to follow and comment and share your stories. The circle is a way we can do that off. Off the main stage of all the Instagrams and tiktoks and whatever, and meet in there and gather on the fire. someday we'll be doing real life stuff, real life meetups of the circles.

So we can come in and, get started there. I would love to have y'all, Mary, you should join. You should come over there. It's about, it's not just about divorce, it's just women who maybe have some of that stuff in common. 

Mary: Beautiful. I love it. 

Hannah: And the experiences that we can [00:59:00] share together. 

Mary: All right.

Well, I look forward to seeing you at your TEDx talk and having you on the show when that book comes out. I wanna be the first one. 

Hannah: awesome. From your lips to God's ears. We've got TEDx apps out. Yeah. So I hope so. I hope you're, gonna make it happen. You're, catching the thread. I'm making a video for one of 'em tomorrow morning, so I hope so.

I hope so. 

Mary: I know your energy just exudes it. I just, I know you're, larger than life. You need a stage. So good. Thanks. 

Hannah: I received that. I received that. I just try to go back and tell 'em, yeah. tell everybody you don't have to live a life. That medium sucks. It doesn't. This, you don't just this is it.

There is no dress rehearsal. There's, you get to enjoy this experience in this body, in this planet, in a time when Oprah and Chat GPT exist at once. Are you kidding me? And popcorn and peanut butter jelly sandwiches, and Utah [01:00:00] and Bryce Canyon, like y'all. We are living at the best time to be alive and to be a woman.

We can get loans and credit cards in our names. We can get divorced. If we don't wanna be with that asshole anymore, we can walk out the door and never come back. Amen. We get to thank you. Vote yes. And we get to vote and drive cars. I know it's, it is, but I think sometimes we get so caught up in our own stuff that, yeah.

We lose sight of that. So thanks for having me, Mary. I'd love to have all of us. And oh, in our pod, oh my God, we started a podcast not saving it for later. And it's in our first season. We've already scheduled a bunch of the guests for season two. It where we talk about conversations just like this.

If you enjoyed this conversation actually we're talking with someone who does some functional medicine about midlife and stuff like that on, one of them coming up so people can follow along there everywhere. They listen to their podcasts. 

Mary: Okay. Give us the title one more time. That point, not 

Hannah: saving 

Mary: it for [01:01:00] later.

Not saving it for later. I'm gonna go follow right now. 

Hannah: Yes. Okay, Mary. Good. All right. We'll see you in there. Thanks everybody. Thank you, Hannah. Okay. Bye-Bye. 

Mary: This conversation with Hannah was a masterclass in resilience in self-leadership and the power of lived experience. And one of the biggest things that struck me is how Hannah turned her mess into her message. She didn't just survive a tough divorce. She used it as a springboard to help other women find their footing and their voice during one of life's most disruptive transitions.

Hannah's story is raw. It's relatable. She talked about marrying young, raising babies while still growing up herself, and then realizing sometimes in those quiet moments that she was living a dress rehearsal instead of her real life, but it was her real life. And that phrase hit me later is a lie. No waiting for life to start.

This is it. No dress [01:02:00] rehearsal. Thinking about the Tragically Hip song

anyways, she described the emotional tug of war that so many women face weighing the cost of leaving against the cost of staying. And for years we might put up with things, but as Hannah so brilliantly put it, every change that ever happened started with some woman getting tired of her own bs. And when the give a dang breaks, that's when real change happens.

Hannah, she offered, ugh, just love her. She offered practical, memorable advice like keeping a gist note on your phone to secretly track relationship patterns so that you can start to see these trends, and then of course, start with the end in mind. Craft your plan and gather your evidence before making any moves.

I love that. Hope is not a strategy she said, and that's a mantra worth repeating. Hope is not a strategy. Action is, but [01:03:00] only when we've downregulated our nervous system don't act when activated. We also dove into the unique power shift that happens in midlife and just as I called it, when estrogen leaves the body, so does the tolerance for bullshit.

And that's why women stop over-functioning for everyone else's comfort and start reclaiming their own truth. And perhaps the most powerful lesson was about identity. Hannah warned against building a derivative identity, which is defining ourselves only as a wife or a mom or a caregiver, or whatever function we play rather than the person we are.

She reminded us too, that if a divorce can ruin your life, you've given away too much power. Wow. So impactful. But instead she champions rebuilding on rock bottom because that's what she did. It truly helps you find out who you are at the core. Things like, I am brave, I am strong, I'm kind. Those was are great takeaways for anyone in any situation in life listening to this conversation.

[01:04:00] I love Hannah's accent and her energy and humor. It was infectious. Nobody was ever sad eating popcorn. I love that. Happiness is infectious. This episode truly was a rally cry for women to bet on themselves, to stop waiting for permission and to remember. You don't have to live a life where you're taking the back seat.

You are your destiny. Advocate. Take agency, whether it's talking to your boss, your gp, or your partner. I'm not advocating for separation and divorce. Far from it, I am probably one of the most happily married people on this planet, the kind that Hallmark writes anniversary cards for. But honestly, one of the best things I feel as a menopause doula that we can do to get ourselves in order is to have our health checked lab tests.

Hormone levels and then make those lifestyle protocol changes where you can be back in control so that we can think [01:05:00] clearly from a place of safety, healing happens at the speed of safety. To connect with Hannah at our law firm, visit hembry bell.com. That's H-E-M-B-R-E-E. Bell, it's in the show notes and get on her course and her community@myconfidentdivorce.com.

When you land on that page, sign up today. It is free. Not only that, you're joining a community of women who are going through similar experiences, whether getting divorced or separated. Just being in community is so important and it's one of the pillars of my five pillars step towards menopause intelligence, and that is nutrition, movement, sleep management, stress reduction, and community.

Women do better when we're in it together. If this episode inspired you, share it with a friend, family member, a colleague, and let's keep disrupting the conversation.